[Editor's note: This originally private letter was generated several months ago and reprinted here with permission and blessings from both parties…]

My dearest Mark:

The days have been quite long and I have more to share with you about this trip than even I could imagine but will do so in person as well (have to have something to talk about over that beer now don't we besides sex?.

Your letter was quite fascinating and intriguing to me on many levels. It's breadth, topic, construction, and obvious outpouring of issues, which have troubled your mind and burdened your heart for many years was insightful, inspiring, uplifting, heartening. I have a few counter-opinions if you don't mind my sharing them. As a friend to you, it is my duty to share opinions and tell you of possible outcomes and consequences; it will be your duty to choose a path.

Ted and I have explored the topic of bimarried men frequently. We are married men and have been attracted to men for many years. We love our families and the whole family concept. In my case, my parents and my wife's parents lived 1 mile apart in a small Nebraska town. My wife and I went to school together and we met in college. We were the town sweethearts and I feel, the familiarity, may have inadvertently destined us to be married whether I was ready for it or not. As I look back now, I am convinced that I loved my wife then and I still love her now. We have too many years together for me to abandon her and it is certainly not her fault that I did not come forward with my feelings about men prior to marriage; although I truthfully hoped that they would just disappear. I was able to successfully bury them for many years; about 10 in fact until that began surfacing in an uncontrollable wave. My wife started noticing a decline in the frequency of our lovemaking and changes in me as I slowly started self-destructing. I grew tired of work and just went through the daily motions (believe me, even working on my job loses its glow when your life is not happy). One eye on the clock, another on the small photograph of my wife, and yet, my brain ever working away, ever fighting to hold back this desire for men.

Mark, I struggle with this every day. My relationship with Ted helps the "venting" process, the relieving of the great amount of built-up pressure that churns within me to be touched, held, made love to by a man. Between "sessions" if you will, I try to emerge back into my outer world; thankful for my marriage, my beautiful loving wife, my home, my career and yet, at least once a month, I make my way back to that opium den where Ted and I are forced to share our love. I hope that I have not misled you in thinking that the presence of Ted in my life has somehow made me 'pure' and 'whole'; it has not. However, the presence of Ted in my life has infinitely helped this situation. I am able to vent, to safely experience a man, without fear of STDs, rejection, or the incredible time overhead it takes to find a new lover. You know Mark, you invest a significant amount of time in establishing a relationship with someone and invest a significant part of yourself. Whether cruising in a chat room, newspaper, mall, or, in your case, with the other handsome studs in the gym, finding a lover is a drowning and vastly yawning suck of time. Having Ted is, well, so fucking convenient. I know him, I know his body, I know his likes, his dislikes, and he knows me as well. We love each other and are comfortable with each other and that comfort allows us to share our bodies and our souls with an abandon and enjoyment that can only be felt between two men.

Mark, I fear greatly any relationship with a gay man; that is merely my opinion and you will have to make your own choice. The Bible knows us too well when it says that no man can serve two masters. My wife is still my master and Ted is and will always be second. A gay man will eventually demand that you make a decision. You won't have to make this decision up front and "Dave", or whomever it may be, may not even realize that they will eventually force you to make the decision. We'll explore this from a gay man's point of view. You and I, Mark, are available for sex only infrequently, as wonderful as it is with another man, as penetrating, unbelievably tender as it can be, it is and will be infrequent if you are planning to maintain your marriage. We only have a set amount of time in a day and the time gets portioned out to our jobs and to those we love.

Now, from your point of view, you can devote, perhaps, 5% of your available time to Dave and Dave may even be understanding and appreciative of that. But Dave, like you, like both of us, has strong male desires. There will be times when you are not going to be able to be there and Dave will be alone in his apartment, alone in his house, while you are at your home with your wife. As time passes, like water dripping on granite, the jealousy, the pressure will start setting in and both of you will start feeling it. He, like you, is a handsome man and will equally be desired by other handsome men wishing to stake their claims for the evening. This, Mark, is the tremendous advantage, the tremendous saving grace to have a relationship with a married man. Both of you from the outset, typically, have similar demands on your time. There have been times when Ted and I have had to put off until a later date our 'meetings' but neither felt in any way bad about it fully understanding what issues are at stake.

I care for you, Mark, and worry about this precipice that you are walking. Your wife has borne unto children and given you 20 years of her life; they can't have all been bad. The Daves will come in and out of your life like brief refreshing rainshowers but it is our wives who accept us back home and dry us off when we are all wet. Our wives are the ones who will be with us when our ears are long and hairy when we are in our eighties. Mark, believe it or not, I have been to gay clubs now. Actually, 'two' and both times accompanied by Ted. Again, part of my education process. I was very stunned at what I saw. I had no idea so many handsome, young beautiful men could be in one place. Where are they all hiding during the day? Definite genetic marvels with small ears, square jaws, and 6% bodyfats. Each one a potential wonderful night of hot sex. Each one guaranteed to not be lasting. I guess it also goes back to hot sex just for sex's sake, like jacking off to a particularly grainy picture of Carl Hardwick, or sex with a perceptible amount of caring, man to man, man for man. To be held by a man who loves you, and be cuddled, kissed, showered, and fucked, is something that is wonderful beyond words; a height of passion that I have never reached before with my loving wife. I can sit with Ted, as he drives his car or he in mine, and I can reach over with my hand and let it rest, comfortably, on his leg. It's amazing the sheer energy derived from a simple touch. Nothing is audibly said between us and yet I have just exchanged an incredible volume of words, of feelings, all in that simple touch. Mark, when you are with a man, you need to be with a man that can provide this level of electricity for you; not just the sheer sexual delight but the deeper penetrating energy that can only be shared between two trusting lovers. And Mark, someday, you will make love to such a man, a great man, one who is caring, loving of you, and wanting to take care of you as much as you desire him. At that point, my friend, will be the most wonderful sex of your life; carefree, passionate, fulfilling, satiating, sweaty, grinding, full of kissing, passion, throbbing heartbeats blending together as two men become one. That is the incredible kind of sex that can only come in a long-term relationship.

I have tried it with a man before I met Ted, as you know. He was my 2nd partner, married, and not ready. Mark, I was hurt by the subsequent rejection when he left me because he couldn't come to terms with his marriage and his desire for men. I am not going to lie and say that I have not thought of taking one of those club cuties home and either fucking his brains out or having him fuck me into orbit (depending on the type; hairy marine butch-fucks me, smooth college stud-definitely needs fucked, for his own good of course). But I also know that I want to know more about the man that I am with than just his dick size. You and I seem to be almost identical in that regard so I won't dwell on it.

I think that you can probably understand now why we helped start bi-married.com. I was going through all of the same feelings that you were going through, that many of us gay or bi married men experience, all alone, utterly and complete alone. There were few sites that I could find which catered or provided any support group or useful information to the bimarried man. Those that did were only too quickly preceded by "click here now for HOT HOT HOT SEX" ads. It didn't make any sense. I had already met 2 men, married, in good jobs, who were bi, married, and scared, and, utterly without any support group. I was the 3rd and we all were carrying the same burdens, frightened by the same fears, grappling with the same issues. I had to find an outlet for this desire to help, for this desire to provide a sounding board, a guidance, or basically, just to mount a 3000 watt neon sign which said, "YES, I'M MARRIED AND LOVE TO SUCK DICK, COME JOIN ME". We bimarried men have to be the most closeted and uncountable demographic in existence. How could we possibly be counted? Trending analysis? That is why my guess on the percentages was so high for men who desired other men. Just the small sample that I have been exposed to has demonstrated to me there are many many men out there of all races, all backgrounds, sharing only one common denominator; we are all gay men in marriages and trying to cope with our desires for men. Am I qualified to lead this vast group? To carry the banner high and go forth with great armies spreading the word of advice and salvation? Of course not. I'm a junior officer in the army, one who just happened to interpret a secret code and am now spreading the word; "we are not alone". That function alone brings me great happiness with this site, with bimarried.com, and what it can do for other married men. I guess, in some way, bimarried.com helps with the guilt as well. As we all gather into the same cyber room and each stands, shyly at first, then gathering more confidence, each announcing their name, announcing they are married and a lover of men, announcing that they are having problems and need help, we gather our hands and although we may not have the answers, we have something far greater, the strength and comfort of compassion, of friendship, and numbers, and we can enter this dark cave together, hand-in-hand, not knowing what may lay ahead but assured that we are far better equipped to deal with it. Together, we are helping those who were suicidal, those about to break their marriages, those who are so guilt ridden after having sucked a dick that they feel the urge to tell their wives or otherwise totally ruin their careers and lives. I have been there and am daily there with men going thourgh this stage. By providing examples of the experiences of what I have learned, of what other men have learned, of what they know, their own stories, then that man, sitting alone, late at his computer, can be armed with information. He may choose to tell his wife, or not, he may choose to maintain that relationship with another man, or not, but he will know he is not alone.

Mark, I apologize if this letter seems extremely jumbled for an man of the discipline that I consider myself to be. I have written this letter over an extended period of time; picking up one train of thought, ending another, like gathering together the threads of some great tapestry. I have many many thoughts to share with you and I know that as soon as I hit, "send", I will be beset with remembrances of important things that I had wanted to say but have totally forgotten to write down. I will say this Mark; you have built much in your life, your home, your wonderful family, your wife, your incredible career spanning many different disciplines. Tread carefully, Mark, as so much is at risk. In your desire to find the right man, to feel the deep invading wonderful passion that only one man can share with another, only one friend to another, only one lover to another, don't sacrifice your principles, your successes, for a quick superficial love. You need so much more, your are worth so much more, Mark, and you deserve so much more.

Yours most sincerely,