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On Guilt:

Simon, Reading your note really hit a nerve, because it brought back many painful memories of my own lifelong struggle with my hidden sexual desires. We seem to share a great deal in common, because I had to face many of the same issues currently tormenting you. I'm a happily married man in my forties with a wonderful family and a successful career. I exemplify your typical heterosexual male that displays all the behaviors and attitudes expected by members of my gender in our society. However, all my life I have kept a secret hidden deep inside of me that I would never dare to share with anyone. From the first day my hormones kicked-in, back when I was a teenager, I have felt attracted to both genders. To compound my problem, I was raised in a household with very strict religious and traditional values. Therefore, I grew up hearing that homosexuals were sick deviants, so I was terrified of letting anyone find out about these sick and evil feelings stirring inside of me. To give you an idea how strong that message was for me, I heard my mother say many times that she would rather see one of her sons dead than gay! Consequently, I successfully repressed this wicked side of me that society deemed unacceptable, while trying my best to play my heterosexual role. Fortunately, I was also attracted to women so it was not difficult for me to conform to society's expectations of a typical heterosexual male. In any event, if it wasn't for the ability to openly search for others like myself under the shroud of anonymity provided by the Internet, I would have died never knowing that I was not alone. Needless to say, I was incredibly surprised to discover that there were many other happily married men also dealing with the same desires and the associated feelings of guilt and shame. It also gave me reassurance that I was not some kind of pervert that was in dire need of mental help. Having the ability to openly discuss my feelings and desire with other men in my same boat has been very good for me. In my case, it helped me deal with the guilt and other related emotional issues that I could have never resolved by myself. Because the worse part about our situation is our inability to ask for advice or find anything to read that could tell you how to deal with our feelings without exposing ourselves. By far, "guilt" feelings are the biggest hurdles any man in our situation dealing with these secret desires must face. I've done a lot of thinking and rationalizing about this over the years trying to justify my desire to act upon those forbidden feelings. Especially, since I've been faithful to my wife from the day we were married and have never screwed around with other women even when I had the opportunities to do so. I'm a firm believer that you should not do to others what you don't want others to do to you. Therefore, since I would not like for her to be screwing around with other men behind my back I would never do that to her. Furthermore, I have a great deal of love and respect for the woman I married and it would be inexcusable for me to be unfaithful to her with another woman. If I'm going to do something like that I might as well go ahead and divorce her. After all, if she is giving me at home all I need to be emotionally and sexually satisfied I don't need to be out screwing around with other women. On the other hand, I've rationalized that what I'm doing in seeking the company of another male is not "cheating" on her, because I'm looking for something she can't provide me because she is not a man. In addition, I feel that this is something I need to do for myself to satisfy a need that obviously I'm not getting out of my heterosexual life, otherwise, why would I still be thinking about this after all these years? I felt that this was something I had to do for my own peace of mind and mental health. I also dreaded the thought of finding myself one day on my deathbed still wondering about all these feelings and then realizing it was too late to do anything about it. In any event, although I don't think I could ever totally get rid of my guilt, I have no regrets for acting upon my feelings. My life became better from the moment I established an intimate relationship with my best friend and I'm happier than I've ever been before in my life. My feelings for my wife and family are unchanged. My good relationship with them that I've enjoyed for many years is actually better, because for the first time in my life I feel like a complete person without any unanswered questions in my mind or empty places in my heart longing to be filled. Somehow it's easier for me to deal with my feelings of guilt and shame, because my actions are not harming my family. Instead they will benefit from my relationship with my friend while not knowing the source. Finally, as far as being dishonest to my wife about the true nature of my relationship with this other married guy, I think that the answer is pretty obvious. It would be impossible for her to see or understand my feelings no matter how hard I try to explain my position and the truth would destroy her and tear our family apart. Therefore, in this case being dishonest is far better than destroying everything I've built over the years for the sake of the truth. I hope this helps and feel free to ask anything else you want. J

On Love: