Let's see, the wife's in bed and I'm working "late" . Where was I? Oh, yes, the beckoning beige mistress. I finally worked up the never to meet my first man through using the chat line. Actually, for all the "bad" that you hear about chat rooms, I have found several good friends there. We'll never meet and are totally anonymous (there're all over the US in fact) but, we share some family problems and just shoot the breeze. For a while, the chat rooms where my only connection to "real men" who were married, just like me. It's very comforting to be able to use the "pvt" feature and just chat away about family problems, sexual urges, etc. It was almost like having a cyber priest but without having to say the "Hail Mary's". Usually, it was me askin' most of the questions and I give my thanks to all those men out there who helped me.

Anyway, I met someone one evening who lived in my town. He was, "ex-marine, 32 in waist, 45, bimwm". Hmmm….I always liked the military myself, this should be interesting. We talked and exchanged e-mail addresses and then talked some more through e-mail; learning more and more about each other. E-mail also serves as the best way, for now, to be able to read into someone's mind. I played hard to get and he continued to e-mail me for months which won points for him. I finally swallowed hard, worked up my nerve and took the plunge. Yes, damnit, I'll meet you.

We met at a Sonic. Yes, I know, how high class and, I learned my first lesson. People are always anxious to exchange "pics" with you on e-mail and never look like their pics. I, being from a small Nebraska town, sent accurate pics (although most had my face airbrushed out). His was accurate too, very accurate. In fact, I'm sure it was indeed the way he had looked 25 years ago. He still had a 32 inch waist but it was hidden under the huge beer gut that protruded over it. The hair had long since gone and save for the large mustache, and yellow smoke stained teeth, still clinging bits of tator tots and fries, I would not have recognized him. He extended a big beefy paw and called me by my chat name so I knew it was him. We shared tator tots and talked for a long time at the picnic table. Yes, this was the man I had grown to respect. His ragged outer appearance hid a very large heart of gold. He had grown sons in the military (one was stationed in Saudi Arabia) and he talked openly about his family. I played my one test card. I requested to see his car insurance certificate. He looked surprised. I grinned. Without pause, he pulled out his wallet, showed me the rest of his family pictures, and produced his insurance card. There was indeed his real name and, more importantly, his wife's name. Yes, he was married. Family pictures tumbled out of the wallet and he shared each one.

We were very much alike. Both of us longing to touch a man but never, ever, crossing the line. I was still curious and so was he and, he suggested a nearby hotel. My heart leapt in my throat and a sudden mouthful of cotton appeared. "Just mutual J/O", he said, "that was safest". To this, I looked at my watch and agreed. Yes, I realize there are probably about 1000 coffee cups being slammed down, 500 pairs of eyes widening, and maybe, 100 gasps of breath. Yes, I went with this man, and we j/o'd together. We both left and I think he knew that I would never see him again. He wished me well. I wish him well and hope he finds what he is looking for. Me? After that experience, I admit that I felt a little dirty. No, I lied. I felt like a damn whore. Who wouldn't? I succumbed to base sexual desires. Driving home left me battling a tsunami wave of guilt and had there been a drive-thru monastery near-by, I would have probably become a monk right there and then. I swore off the computer, swore off the internet, and became a wild sex stallion with my wife for the next 3 weeks.

Of course, we know what happens next. I cannot ignore, nor deny, that which is deep inside my brain and each passing day, it resurfaced again until one day found me back at my smiling beige mistress inside a chat room; hunting again. My thoughts were more clear now, I was looking for a "LTR", long term relationship with a man. I thought I found him again. He sent me pics like the one before (although I've learned to ignore these) and we talked for a few months until meeting at a restaurant (hmmm…this one's a little higher class). He was the antithesis of the first man. Handsome, 5' 7", dark hair, blue eyes, nice build. Did the insurance card check again, saw the family pictures, and set out for a nice relationship. We would exchange calls at work and e-mail stories. We even went to the local health clinic and got tested for a wide variety of things that you don't mention to your wife. We met once, much later, in a motel and had oral sex. Afterwards, he was suffering the same waves of guilt that I was as we both lay there in a seedy motel wondering why life had dealt us such a cruel hand. We talked a few times after that and then went our separate ways. He was NOT ready to get into a long term relationship and he felt he wasn't able to give me what I was needing. I agreed, sadly.

I was wanting a relationship of the following: long passionate love making, soapy showers, deep tonguing kisses, bear hugs. Basically, I was wanting to be made love to in the same way that I make love to my wife. I was wanting to love the man that I was having sex with. I'm not an animal. I do not like the "cheap" quick sex. I feel it cheapens me and my partner. When I go into a relationship, I wanted it to be 100% monogamous, if in this twisted world, that can make sense. I wanted to be a one-woman man and a one-man man. Maybe it's my nature, but I needed an inner world that he would be king of just like my wife is queen of my outer world. After this second blow, my "good behavior" lasted almost 2 months. This time, however, it was accompanied by depression; not the rubber room Prozac kind, yet, but the kind where I felt like was screaming by and I was in a vise. The vise was twisting each day tighter and tighter; my wife on one side, my gay desires on the other.

I wanted to kill the f^&^% beige mistress for ever getting me into trouble like this. She knows me too well though and continued to entice me with "hunk of the day" photographs. I shook my head in disbelief. Does a woman desire a man in the same way? I wondered. You never see articles like this in Men's Health, "Men, can you suck cocks better than your wife?" or, "Best ways to use a dildo; how to show her what to do for you.". Does my wife desire to suck me as much as I desire to suck another man? Nah, no way. She sucks cock terrible. I worked with her for years and she's never gotten it right. Even if she did, I've never seen any evidence that points to a woman actually "longing" to have a man's penis in her mouth (I mean for REAL). Yet, I long for it all the time. Why? This doesn't make sense. I have, I think, stronger urges for a man than a woman does. Hmmm…sounds like someone needs to do a doctoral thesis on this some day. Not me; I've got bills to pay, a car to work on, a lawn to mow, and a man to find.

Enter man #3. Ty, the love of my inner world. For some strange reason, we both agree that we can share sentiments like that and still, both of us know 100%, that we love our wives in our outer worlds and, would drop each other like a hot, rancid potatoes if ever the inner world clashed with the outerworld. Ty, from his first chat, his first e-mail, hit every button that I had and quite a few that I didn't know that I had. He was 13 years older than me, had 3 young kids, and had a aura of confidence and stability that I had never seen before. He had no pics to send me but described himself in the best way he could. Would I mind his salt/pepper hair? (duh…hell no…I liked that), muscular body, and a commanding discipline that intrigued me to no end. He was a take charge kind of mind and fate had us on line in the chat room at the same time that day. He would initiate e-mails to me (a major plus since everyone else I felt like I had to do the initiating), send me long passionate stories. Everything in his mind was 100% clicking with mine. We even talked on the phone and I knew this was the man (at least I prayed that he was). BTW, be sure to use a store bought calling card (I get mine from Eckerd's-best value around) and use *67 feature to block caller ID). This was a man who wanted to take care of and love another man. I was a man who wanted to be loved.

We decided to meet one day and had originally planned to meet at a restaurant. I knew of a motel nearby and suggested we meet there. What the hell. If he was "bad", we could just talk and nothing lost. If he were good, well, the stuff of legends could be made. I had been burned twice before and felt a little battle hardened. In reality, I was clueless. Ty was more man than I could have ever handled and had he been "bad", I might have gotten into real trouble. As it was, he was good, damn good. I first laid eyes upon him through the hotel door peephole. I about died. He was smartly dressed in black Dockers, black polo shirt, and aviator sunglasses. he was thickly muscled, square jawed, and sparkling white teeth. Remember, I already knew his mind from the many e-mails and conversations we had. he was also constantly worried that I wouldn't like the way he looked. I have no idea why he could have ever thought that. The rest is unprintable but suffice to say that I have since met his family and he will be meeting mine soon. He calls me to say, "hi", and I do the same for him. We exchange pics, fantasies, and mad, passionate sex.

He, in some unusual way, has strengthened my marriage. I was worried about starting a family, for example. I was scared to death that I would be a bad father, or, maybe even worse, my son would have the same problems as me. Ty reassured me that men like us make the best fathers; we are sensitive, caring, hugging, and deeply loving. We are not pedophiles or wife abusers. "Get over it..", he told me, "and start having those kids now. They are the best things in life and has you hold your newborn, you are instantly connected to the universe and understand why God put you here". You are? Geez, all that just for having a kid? But really, Ty is someone I can talk to, ask questions to. Whereas I'm at the beginning of starting a family, he's already been through the trials and happiness of having kids. His family loves him, his wife loves him, he is successful, solid, and comfortable with himself. Ty, more than anything, has taught me that being bi-married is not a sin, is not bad, and will not stop me from being a good parent.